Sunday, January 07, 2007

Reverse Resolutions for 2007

If a year had an asshole, it would be January.


We're a week into 2007. How many resolutions did you make, and how many have you broken?

I'm not one to make resolutions, because I know how easily discouraged I can get saying, "I'm going to lose that 20 pounds this year!" or "I'm going to get that better job!" and then end up 10 pounds heavier and in the same crappy job.

What I've decided to do this year is reverse resolutions. That is, I'm going to tell you what resolutions you should have in regard to me.

My first reverse resolution would be to tell you that when driving on the freeway with me make sure you use your turn signals. Also, do not drive on the freeway at 75 mph while talking on your cell phone. This will give me road rage, thereby raising my blood pressure and increasing my anxiety. You resolve to knock off the shit that is pissing me off while you're driving.

Second, you will resolve to treat me with common courtesy. The other day a very elitist and queenly principal in one of the schools I service breezed by me. I was holding the door open for her and she went through it without looking in my direction and without saying, "Thank you." I don't know what Her Majesty was thinking, but if a student did that to her I'm sure she'd have them hung by their thumbs. I'm used to students doing that to me because they're young and dumb, but if an adult does it to me I'm always surprised. So next time I'm holding the door open for you my reverse resolution for you is to at least say "Thanks." You don't even have to be sincere about it, just use common civility.

My third reverse resolution for you is to stop trying to sell me your religion. This past two weeks I've had two attempts by folks to proselytize me on behalf of their churches. To thee I say nay! I'm not interested in religion and I'm especially not interested in your religion. Don't try to convince me by testifying to me that you're convinced of the truth of your faith. I don't care. I don't believe in your testimony any more than I believe in your religion. Don't try to tell me I'm going to hell because I don't accept Christ as my savior. You go ahead and do what you gotta do to make it to heaven, but don't try to make me think I'm going to be punished because I don't believe in your ridiculously strict and baseless dogmatism. My reverse resolution is for you to resolve to leave me alone when you are thumping your bible.

There! I've given my resolutions to you, so let's make sure you make all of them work. We've still got 51 weeks left in this year, lots of time for you to leave me and my atheism alone, don't piss me off on the road, and don't act like I'm your servant when I'm being courteous.


It was my granddaughter Bella's second birthday on December 29. She is such a cutie, as is her little sister, Gabby. I love you, girls.

Ciao for now.

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