Cheaters Cheat

Like everyone else I've been following the story of the astronaut, Lisa Nowak, who drove 900 miles to confront a rival for a fellow astronaut's affections. People are really titillated by the case because of the stories of disguises, wearing a diaper so she wouldn't have to stop to pee, spraying her rival with pepper spray through the window of a car. Wow. Who wouldn't be titillated?

It's too bad that this poor woman has to be this year's Runaway Bride, exposed to humiliation for all of the world to see. When it comes to love, folks, we've all gone a little bit goofy at times.

We hold ourselves to a high standard that few of us are able to reach, so we have our ways of rationalizing. I don't know astronaut Lisa's story, but I'm willing to bet she left her husband and children thinking the single male astronaut was going to marry her, then found out there was another woman he was seeing. Why doesn't this surprise me? I think I saw it in a movie once. She had probably told herself that this was the guy for her, her one chance for true love, etc., etc. The reasons don't matter…what matters is that she stepped over a line we've drawn that separates acceptable from unacceptable behavior. I'll bet you've done unacceptable things and never been caught. I have. Thank god I didn't get my picture splashed all over the front pages of the world's press. Thank god I'm not an astronaut/evangelist/politician/movie star or whoever else it is that we hone in on when they screw up.

I read a statistic once--and I take statistics with a grain of salt--but this particular statistic said that about 50% of partners in a marriage cheat outside the marriage. They have an affair, they have a one-time thing, whatever. If you were to ask a group of people, "Is it good or bad to cheat on your spouse?" they'd all say, "It's bad." If you polled them individually as to whether they had done it they'd say, "Yes, but I had a reason." It's always the other person who is immoral, who is the cheater. Not me. Not us. I--we--had a reason.

I'm not about to judge other people on what they do outside their marriage. I'm more interested in how they view what they do. I spoke once with a woman who, with her husband, is a swinger. They have a particular moral code. If they get together with other couples for a foursome, or with a man or woman for a threesome that's OK if they are both there during the sex. If one of them goes outside the marriage, has sex with someone and the partner isn't present, that's cheating.

Or there was the married woman who told me once, explaining her behavior with someone else's husband, "anything short of 'sticking it in' (her term) is just flirting. If you 'stick it in' it's sex." I'll bet she was fun on a date, but her partner would be disappointed at the end to find out it's just flirtation.

The case of Lisa Nowak brings up a question I've always had about leaving one's spouse for another person. What happens if that second person turns out to be a mistake? Do you keep repeating the behavior until you find the right one, or do you get smart?

I worked for a woman once who left her husband for another man. The man left his wife and teenage son for her. He was 42, she was 24. They left a lot of destruction in their wake. They disrupted the business where we all worked; they wreaked havoc on his former wife and son, they practically destroyed her husband, who lost all pride in trying to keep her. Her excuse was, "I deserve happiness, and you're not giving it to me." Well, la-de-da. Someone owes you happiness?

She and her lover took off for parts unknown and weren't seen again for 30 years, when she came back to town. She looked me up via e-mail. I talked to her and found out the man she left her husband for had died of cancer some years before. She was still angry with him, though, because during their marriage he had "cheated on her." She fixed him. She "cheated on him," too!

It struck me that she had cheated with him, ruined two marriages and expected him not to continue his behavior? That seemed naïve to me but I didn't say anything, just let her finish her story. Now she'd met a wonderful guy; he was retired so he had her retire and they were joined at the hip. They were with each other 24 hours a day. Well, that's one way to keep her husband from cheating.

I thought the truest thing I ever read about the aforementioned situation was in a piece of fiction, a short story whose title and author I've forgotten. In the story a man and woman who had left their respective families were confronting further adultery by the woman. The man is anguished, screaming, "I lost everything for you! I left my family, my job, my life for you! How could you do this to me?" She just replied, "Because we're cheaters, and cheaters cheat."

There doesn't really have to be a reason. It's just how we're built as humans. With that in mind, I wish poor Lisa Nowak good luck in facing the criticisms of a harsh and hypocritical public, basking in her misery while we hide our own dirty secrets.

Ciao for now.