Detachable Dick

Like a few million other Americans I watched the State Of The Union address last night. I didn't expect much and didn't get much from our President. He is still off in some Cloud Cuckooland where progress is being made in Iraq, and life's better all around for everyone. Everyone that isn't getting blown up, that is.

The real treat to me was looking past Bush at Cheney and Nancy Pelosi behind him. Besides the fact that Nancy Pelosi is one fine-looking woman, Cheney is always worth looking at just to see if he gives one of his patented sneers or otherwise makes his usual stone face do something remotely human. Last night he winked at someone in the audience. Maybe his wife, maybe his mistress, maybe one of his buddies.

He also popped something into his mouth. At first I thought, "Nitroglycerin." I thought maybe he was having some chest pains, but whatever it is he popped into his mouth, he appeared to keep sucking on it for a long time. I then thought, "Maybe it's a Lifesaver. Maybe when the speech is over he's going to grab Nancy and lay a big wet one on her, sticking his tongue in, putting the Lifesaver in her mouth." No such luck, buddy. I'm sure Nancy has dodged more kisses than a stud like you has ever given.

They also showed pictures of the audience of dignitaries, occasionally identifying a senator or congressman, or even Supreme Court justice. I saw Hillary sitting behind Barack Obama and was hoping she'd put a V with her fingers behind his head, but she was being dignified. I saw Senator Patrick Leahy give a wolfish grin. Maybe he was thinking about setting up a little meeting with Nancy Pelosi. I didn't see anyone picking their noses or doing anything egregious, but I might have missed something because I had to get up and go to the bathroom a couple of times during the speech. Being able to go to the bathroom was something I thought about. All of those people were packed into the gallery and no one could get up and go pee if they had to. Maybe there is a big run in D.C. on Depends undergarments right before the State Of The Union. That wouldn't help if you had to fart, something I can do in my easy chair, but can't do in public. Just gotta hold it, Senator. Only another hour to go and then you can go to your chambers and cut loose.

*******

After the State Of The Union Sally turned the TV to HBO and we watched the last part of a Wanda Sykes special. Wanda is a black female comedian who is known to me mainly from being on the Larry David show, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Wanda did a hysterically funny and obscene bit about how nice it would be if women had "detachable pussies." They could leave them at home when they went out. That way if a guy jumped out of the bushes while they were jogging they could say, "Sorry, my pussy's not here."

I thought how nice it would be if guys had detachable dicks. You could hand it to a woman you wanted to impress, saying, "Take this home, introduce it to your pussy. If they like each other we can go out." You might want to take some Viagra before handing it to her, though. You wouldn't want her to just drop it and say, "Ewwwww, what's this tiny little limp thing, a worm?"

If I was God, I would've designed people that way.

Wanda used the f-word a lot. I really have nothing against the word fuck. I use it occasionally, though, when I really mean it or really feel a compelling need. Unlike some folks I don't use it in casual conversation. Nowadays when I walk into any school on my route I'm apt to hear it, both from boys and from girls. And that's just the elementary schools! High schools it's all over the yard.

A word loses its power when it's overused like the word fuck. If I fuckin' wanted to fuckin' say fuck I'd better fuckin' say it with a fuckin' reason, otherwise it fuckin' loses its fuckin' intensity.

There have been episodes of The Sopranos where I swear (yuk-yuk, no, they swear, not me) they use the word fuck more times than I heard it in two years of the Army, and when I was in the Army I heard it a lot.

So, fuckin' have a fuckin' great day, you fuckin' fuckers.

Ciao for fuckin' now.