Let's tie one on

Ladies, how irresistible would a man be wearing a tie that glowed "Will you kiss me in the dark, baby?" at you?

Pretty darn irresistible, I'd say. I sure wish the ad for this tie was more current than 1948, which is where I found it online in an old comic book. I want this tie. "By day, a lovely swank tie...by night, a call to love in glowing words!" It's a good way to woo a woman, letting the tie do the calling to love in glowing words a bashful fellow may be too tongue-tied to say to her. (Of course the trick would be to get the woman into a dark room so the tie could glow at her. I'd imagine that if a guy could pull that off, the question posed by the tie would be pretty much already answered.)

Ditto another tie from the same company, the striptease tie, very impressive to females. It tells them by wearing such a thing he's a real man of the world and a great catch. I can see the ladies clustered around a guy at the cocktail party, exclaiming over his striptease tie, "Why, Harvey, you have such wonderful taste in manly neckwear!" one of them might say, her eyes taking in the tie, her mind taking in Harvey's availability as a future lover. You'd know then the ad copy was true: "Brings gasps of sheer wonder, thrilling admiration the first time you wear it! By day, smart, handsome tie that is unrivalled for sheer beauty and good looks, by night a glorious goddess of light revealed for all to see! She loses her clothes as she glows in the dark!" How many fantasies did I have in my life about a woman shedding her clothes whilst glowing in the dark?

And I could have it for only $1.49. In anticipation of an accident, where I may spill gravy on it, I can buy three for only $4.22. That is a bargain of bargains. I wonder if could mix and match? Could I get, say, two "Will you kiss me in the dark, baby" ties and one striptease tie? I would be the smartest dressed man, supremely confident, walking down the street, nodding, tipping the brim of my fedora at the folks passing by, watching them as they admire, even envy me.

For maximum effectiveness I also have to know how to tie my necktie, but luckily I have this handy diagram I copied off years ago. The Half-Windsor is the knot I prefer.

Women, if you click on this to open it up, then print it off, you'll be a heroine to your man on those mornings when he's frustrated in front of a mirror. "Doggone it! I wish I knew how to tie a Windsor Knot!" Give him this, and a tie that glows in the dark, and he'll love you forever.