Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Dumb jokes you can tell at a party

The Italian Bride

In the 1930s a newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride's mother's country cottage.The bride’s father died long ago, and they don't have much money. This is the best they can do. The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a man. Her new husband sits alone upstairs while she tells her mother how nervous and scared she is.

"You don't-a worry," her mother tells her. "I stay here and make-a the spaghetti, you go upstairs and have-a some fun." The young woman goes upstairs and readies herself to consummate her marriage. Her husband, sitting on the bed smiling, removes his shirt. Having never seen a hairy chest before, the young bride gets frightened and runs downstairs.

"Momma! It's-a so scary! He has-a the hair on his-a chest-a."

"Calm-a down, little one," her mother says, stirring the sauce. "Everything-a gonna be-a all right. I stay here and make-a the spaghetti, you go upstairs-a and have-a some fun." So the young bride goes back upstairs.

Her new husband takes off his shoes, and pulls down his pants. Having never seen hairy legs before, she gets scared and runs back downstairs.

"Oh-a momma!" she cries. "It's-a so scary! He has-a the hair on his legs-a."

"It's-a OK," her mother says in a calming voice. "I stay here and make-a the spaghetti. You-a go upstairs and have-a some fun."

So the bride goes back upstairs. Her new husband is now wearing only his underwear and socks. She stands in the doorway, gathers herself and smiles at her groom. He sits on the bed and removes his socks. However, the man had fought in the Great War and was injured by a land mine. It blew off all his toes and part of his left foot. The new bride, knowing this is not normal, cries out in fear and runs back downstairs.

"Momma! Momma!" she screams. "It's-a so scary! Oh my god-a momma, I never seen-a anything like it before-a. You won’t believe it momma, but-a he has a foot and a half-a!"

The mother stops stirring her sauce and looks up at her daughter in disbelief. After a short pause she says, "OK, dear, don't-a worry. You stay here and make-a the spaghetti.....I go upstairs and have-a some fun."

Allie the Alligator

The bartender says, "You can't have that thing in here! Get out!"

The guy says, "It's okay, this alligator is highly trained. Just give me a few seconds and I'll show you." The bartender, intrigued, gives him the go-ahead. The man gingerly lifts the alligator up onto a table. By this point, everybody in the bar is gawking at this strange man and his pet. The man grins, looks around the room. Having a new audience, he clears his throat and says, "This is Allie the amazing alligator, and he is so well-trained that I can do this," He balls up his fist and gives the alligator a swift crack on the head.

"OPEN!" He says. The alligator opens his mouth. Before the bartender can do anything, the man unzips his fly and whips it out. He gingerly places his penis in the front of the alligator's gaping maw. He wallops the alligator once more and says "CLOSE!" And the alligator ever-so-gently closes his terrifying jaws comfortably around his cock. One last time, he raps the alligator's head and says "OPEN!" He removes his unharmed manhood, and tucks it safely back into his pants.

The crowd applauds, and he takes a bow. With all eyes still focused on him, he says, "Now, any of you guys have the balls to do that, I'll buy you a drink and give you fifty dollars." Silence falls over the bar, and everyone looks around for someone who might be willing to take the bet.

After a few endless, uncomfortable seconds, a little man in the back slowly raises his hand and says, "I'll do it, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard."

Are my testicles black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse comes in his room to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They're fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very closely: Are-my-test-results-back?"


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