Thursday, December 20, 2012

An open letter to Wayne LaPierre, CEO, National Rifle Association

December 20, 2012

Dear Mr. LaPierre,

I saw the front page of my local newspaper today and was so dismayed I had to take a photo with my cell phone so you can see for yourself.

I was upset because the real important story headlined, “Some Utah legislators urge more guns to make schools safer” was not at the top, but was pushed to the lower part of the front page by the story and picture of a little girl who got killed by bullets in Connecticut. The most important thing (and it should have been made clear in the article about the little girl) is that in America and for the NRA her death is less important than our rights as citizens to own guns, and especially guns with extra-capacity magazines that can pump out lots of rounds real fast!

But getting back to the Utah legislators, I like the idea of putting guns in the hands of teachers and administrators. I worked for a Utah school district for 30 years and was not allowed to bring a gun onto any campus. Of course, I was never in any danger, but you never know when that one-in-a-million opportunity to discharge a firearm into a charging maniac will arise. I looked in vain for armed students on drugs or madmen climbing through busted windows, in body armor and carrying military weapons, but never saw any. Still, I could think about what I’d do if I did. Oh, you’d be proud of me, Mr. LaPierre, if you could see me in my police stance with my Bushmaster .223 ready. Lock and load, rip and roar! Ha-ha. The guy wouldn’t even have a head left to identify him.

But I think you should talk to the Utah legislators, and pass along my idea. For some reason when I call them up they hang up on me, and I can’t figure out why. But I know they’ll take your phone call. You can tell them that the idea of a former school district employee is not only to arm the employees, but the kids, too! Yes, it sounds radical, but if you start getting kids familiar with weapons at a young age then you’ve done your duty. Get ‘em started in the right direction — and you know what I mean by “right” don’t you, wink-wink, nudge-nudge — a gun at their side. If a kid got rambunctious with his gun then it’d be legal for the other students to shoot him.

Wayne – and I may call you that, mayn’t I? After all, I think of us as kindred spirits, comrades, brothers-in-arms — if a school full of teachers, principal and custodian, all armed, isn’t enough to scare away a crazy person, then a student body with 600 little kids packing heat sure would!

And speaking of crazy people, I think you should fight off any laws limiting the mentally ill their access to guns. I’ve been called crazy by some, and I have guns. (Of course, all the people who call me crazy are on my short list of people to shoot when I catch them trespassing. And I’m not crazy…I’m a bit off-center, off-kilter; weird, even, but not crazy. You believe me, DON’T YOU, Wayne?)

Shoot — er, I mean shucks — but really, what’s being crazy got to do with being able to own a firearm? On the off chance some headcase goes off and starts shooting, then by the NRA’s thinking everyone around him would be armed and could take care of him in short order. It’d be the same with felons. I’d say when ex-cons are released from prison they should be issued a gun. Not an assault rifle, I mean, I might be dumb but I’m not stupid (ha-ha, my dad used to tell me that). No, a starter gun would be fine. Maybe a .22 target pistol, which they could trade up after 90 days or so. If they’re citizens they should by their Constitutional rights have a gun.

I sure hope you’ll take me seriously, Wayne. I have a lot of respect for your organization. I think that maybe someday I could work for the NRA, lobbying legislators, reminding them constantly of the Second Amendment rights of U.S. citizens to have all the guns they want. And if a legislator got a little balky, or hemmed-and-hawed around too much I could just let my jacket fall open and he'd see the Glock in my pants. Isn’t that the way you guys do it, now? I mean, there are always people that won’t go along, so don’t your people schmooze them with some friendly talk like, “You’ll never see your wife and children again,” or “I wonder how many rounds your fat head will take before going the way of a target pumpkin after Halloween”?

Wayne, I don’t want all this talk about dead students and teachers in some small town in Connecticut ruin your day, or make you less intent on protecting our God-given rights to own guns, shoot them, and kill people.

After all, “Guns don’t kill people. People with guns kill people.” And that’s the way it should be, the way God intended!

Sincerely, your armed friend,


P.S. Have a wonderful, bang-bang Christmas!

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