Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A: One's a Goodyear; the other's a great year.
Larry and Doug, two redneck good ol’ boys, are sitting around, drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says, “I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I'm going to the community college and sign up for some classes.” Doug agrees that it's a good idea.
The next day, Larry goes to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. “Logic?” Larry says. “What's that?”
The Dean says, “I'll give you an example. Do you own a Weed Eater?”
‘'Logically speaking,” says the Dean, “because you own a Weed Eater, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That's true, I do have a yard.”
The Dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think logically that you might have a family.”
“Yes, I have a family.”
The Dean continues. “I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”
“Damn straight I'm a heterosexual! That's amazing you were able to find out all of that because I have a Weed Eater!”
Excited now to take the class, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Doug says, “what's that?'”
“I'll give you an example,” says Larry. Do you have a Weed Eater?”
“Then you're gay.”
One word or two?
An elderly couple, both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about sex?” he asked.
“Well,” she said, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say, I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then asked, “Is that one word or two?”
The old man and the hooker
It was Jim’s birthday, and he was considered to be an old man by his friends’ standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim’s friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.
The hooker went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered she said, “Hi, I’m your birthday present!”
Startled, he asked, “What am I supposed to do with you?”
“I’m yours for super sex,” she answered.
Jim replied, “Well, I’m 75-years-old. I’ll have the soup.”